Title: How to Smooth Out Relationships (Those Close to You Are Like Sharpening Stones)
Everyone, have you ever found yourself unintentionally “roughening up the edges” in your relationships? Or perhaps you’ve had moments where, despite good intentions, you left someone feeling uncomfortable. In Buddhist teachings, the people around us are like "sharpening stones." They help smooth our rough edges, guiding us to grow into more compassionate and refined individuals. In this video, we’ll explore how to avoid “rough edges” in relationships, based on the teachings of Seikan Kobayashi.
1. Marriage as a Space for Refinement
Let’s begin with an example of a “sharpening stone” that’s very close to home—marriage. Kobayashi says, “Marriage is about two people sharpening each other.” Often, we think of marriage as a goal, but in reality, it’s the beginning of a shared life between two people with differing values. For example, even simple things like temperature preferences, food likes and dislikes, or daily routines rarely match perfectly. By being each other’s “sharpening stones,” couples gradually smooth out each other's rough edges, helping each other grow.
But why is marriage seen as a place for refinement? This is because living together requires us to confront each other’s differences. Adjusting our individual preferences and gradually accommodating each other's perspective is a process that softens self-centered tendencies. Marriage, in this sense, is not just a living arrangement; it’s a place where one sharpens and polishes their heart.
2. The Relationship with Children: A Sharpening Stone for Parents
It’s not only between spouses; the relationship with children also serves as a “sharpening stone.” Parents often try to impose their values on their children, yet children rarely grow up exactly as their parents hope. Kobayashi says, “A child’s disobedience provides a chance for parents to grow.” Through the unexpected actions of children, parents confront unresolved issues within themselves and learn to become more understanding and open-hearted.
Especially when children challenge or question their parents, it forces parents to consider fundamental “why” questions. For example, when a child asks, “Why should I study?” and questions their parents’ answers, it pushes parents to think more deeply. The pure questions of children reveal the extent to which parents may view things superficially, encouraging them to look beyond and discover more genuine values.
3. Workplace Relationships: A Place for Self-Polishing
The workplace, too, is a “sharpening stone” for personal growth. Kobayashi teaches that “even if someone is highly skilled, if they have an abrasive personality, they’re missing the true purpose of work.” Through our daily interactions with others at work, we face conflicts, cooperate, and gain numerous experiences that contribute to our personal development. Moments of irritation or wanting to dominate provide excellent opportunities to reflect on our own emotions and responses.
For example, when anger arises toward a supervisor or colleague, instead of giving in to that anger, ask yourself, “What is at the root of this anger?” You may find it’s not about the other person’s actions but about your own anxieties or insecurities. Workplace tensions and frustrations, in this way, offer opportunities to revisit and reshape our emotions and values.
4. Principles for Avoiding Rough Edges in Relationships
So, how can we stay calm and avoid creating rough edges in our relationships? The first step is to transcend the need to “endure” or “put up with things.” According to Kobayashi, a truly refined person doesn’t simply endure—they do not see things as “problems” at all. They let things “pass by” and don’t take everything so seriously.
Also, when others hold different values, instead of forcing them to align with our own, we should first accept the difference. Seeking ways to coexist rather than to conflict allows us to learn and grow from each other’s unique perspectives. When we view these differences as sharpening stones, they reveal new insights, and our tendency to feel irritated gradually fades.
5. Habits for Overcoming Frustration
In daily life, there are many moments when we feel frustrated, but incorporating certain habits can help lessen this. First, practice “taking deep breaths” regularly. When you feel frustration rising, take a deep breath; it calms the mind and enables a more thoughtful response.
Next, adopt the mindset that “this is a test.” Your close ones aren’t deliberately trying to annoy you but are unconsciously encouraging your growth. By maintaining this perspective, frustration transforms into a chance for self-improvement, and everyday challenges become a part of your path to personal growth.
6. Conclusion: Cultivate Gratitude to Smooth Out the Edges for a Calm Life
Our daily interpersonal conflicts may sometimes feel like major obstacles, but consider them all as sharpening stones helping you refine yourself. With this perspective, feelings of anger and irritation soften, and conflicts with others naturally reduce.
Finally, maintain a grateful heart, recognizing those close to you as “cherished sharpening stones.” When you approach others with gratitude, relationships flow more smoothly, and your life will gradually become more peaceful and fulfilling.
Thank you for reading till the end today. We hope this post helps you find peace in your relationships. Please look forward to our next post!
